A Homeowner's Tool Guide

[GeorgeV]

 SKIL SAW :
 A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short...
 
 BELT SANDER :
 An electric sanding tool  commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
 into major refinishing jobs...
 
 WIRE WHEEL :
 Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
 workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and
 hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s**t' .
 Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back...
 
 DRILL PRESS :
 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
 stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
 your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
 you had carefully set in  the corner where nothing could get to it...
 
 Channel Locks :
 Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
 blood-blisters...
 
 HACKSAW :
 One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
 It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
 the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 
 future becomes...
 
 VISE-GRIPS :
 Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If
 nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
 welding heat to the palm of your hand...
 
 OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
 Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your
 shop and creating a fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside
 the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race...
 
 TABLE SAW :
 A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
 for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!!
 
 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
 Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
 your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper...
 
 BAND SAW :
 A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
 pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after
 you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.  Also
 excels at amputations...
 
 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
 A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you
 forgot to disconnect...
 
 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
 old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
 can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads...
 
 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
 A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
 slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms...
 
 PRY BAR :
 A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
 needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part...
 
 PVC PIPE CUTTER :
 A tool used to make plastic pipe too short...
 
 HAMMER :
 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
 a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
 the object you are trying to hit.  Also very effective at fingernail
 removal...
 
 UTILITY KNIFE :
 Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
 delivered to your front door.  Works particularly well on contents
 such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
 magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially
 useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.  These can
 also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency  room so a doctor can sew up the damage...
 
 SON OF A B***H TOOL :
 Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
 'Son of a person' at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, 
 the next tool that you will need...
 
 *no trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
 number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced"